Too late. When you walk
into a BATES HOTEL room and there are SIGNS all over to help you with the
obvious, you know it's going to be a night to remember..or one you try
to forget.
There is a direct correlation
to the number of "DON'T" signs and the stars in hotel rating system. A
four star hotel will have only one sign, "THANK YOU". However, a Minus
four-star hotel with security cameras will have 20 signs within a 20 square
foot space.
-Don't hang anything here
(it's a freakin' sprinkler on the ceiling..what am I going to hang? a Piñata?
-Don't use blow dryer near
water (Thanks, but I like saving time to wash and dry hair at same time)
-Don't turn lights on after
midnight (Does this mean the toilet is non-working after midnight too?)
-Don't touch A/C. (Why would
I? I'm going to be perfectly comfortable all night in "lock down", one
small window, with no lights after midnight to read more "Don't do anything"
signs.
Alcatraz had more amenities,
but it at least had a view of the San Francisco Bay. I'm just staring at
a flashing hotel street sign that says. WE HAVE CABLE. ...Cable?..wow...Now
all is good in Whoville.
After hours driving, I just
want to sleep at night and shower in the morning. No need for breakfast
in bed or strawberries at night. I'm easy like that.
But what I can't cope with
is only ONE pillow and a quilted sheet/blanket/bed spread combo to sleep
with. What is that?...A QUILTANKET? I didn't know if I was suppose to lay
under it, in it, over it or put helium in it and escape from this prison
yard of discomfort.
If the next morning, the
shower would be my saving grace, All would be forgotten. Too bad I would
have been cleaner if a prison guard hosed me down in CELL BLOCK TWO before
this luxury bathroom suite of cleanliness got the job done.
I'm over 6'3" and the shower
head was 3'6" off the floor. It took me over an hour to wash with a soap
wafer the size of a CHEEZ-IT. It is sad when you have to negotiate which
parts of my body needed the soap more and the rest can wait for tomorrow.
Worse yet, it took me 90 minutes to dry off as I reached to grab a towel
. No, let me rephrase that. NO towel, just a SHAMWOW to squeegee myself
off. YES, I felt like an Olympic diver as I used this 6-inch yellow faux
chamois to rid my body of moisture.
I finally checked out, (or
depending on how you look at it-released) and the front desk/security asked
me how was my stay. I just took a deep breath now that I've been broken
and said. "THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?"
I did tell him I truly only
wanted to see ONE more sign before I left this hotel/prison combo. He said,
"What would that be?" I responded, "You've been Punk'd".
Sadly, it was real and I
only felt slighted the lights went out last night right before I finished
giving myself a tattoo. Yes, I got to get Inked or I would have no proof
of doing my time. Peace out.
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About the author: Erik
Hawkinson |
