| Canned Tuna In The Sky
On my last flight, as I watched
the 10 year old safety video from my airline’s monitor above the row
in front of me, I ponder the collective expressions of the actors/employees
who are portraying passengers in case of an emergency.
I’m in marketing, I get
it. Show a calm business man as he sits comfortable, while a yellow plastic
tube/mask drops from the console above and observe as he shreds any sense
of panic and without hesitation, places the mask over his head to ensure
a perfect fit to enjoy the smooth crash landing positions we all love.
I want what he ate before
the flight. What was it? Quaaludes and crystal meth? COME ON!! If a red
light and alarms pop on and an oxygen mask falls before my eyes, I WILL
NOT be thinking about how “cool” I can look if I don’t panic.
I will be hyperventilating
and acting closer to George Constanza at a children’s birthday party
when he smelled “fire” as I make a new door where there isn’t one.
Parachute smarachute..I’m going to wear everyone’s coat from the overhead
bin and brace myself for a Disney ride of a lifetime.
I try so hard not to laugh
at the absurdity of how I am SUPPOSED to fasten a seatbelt, I listening
intently as I have a thousand times before, as the intercom follows up
with, “If the cabin loses pressure, please ensure you place the oxygen
mask on yourself FIRST before helping others.”
SERIOUSLY, save your OWN
breath. You do not have to tell me that. My seated neighbor and I have
shared only an arm rest, we are not blood brothers.
No offense, but with my long
arms, I may even grab two masks and see which one exudes more oxygen before
leaving the others to fight over the malfunctioned one.
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